Saraswati

It’s been 9 years since I was baptized.  In nine years, of course I have gone through a lot.  I’ve grown more and more in my spirituality but also in my exposure to the world.  I had always put my faith and life in God, yet not always holy and righteous in what I did.  I know though, that I am not a hypocrite.  I will always commit sin one way or another, once a day or once a week or even uncountable; obviously unintentionally.  Yes…I’m a choir member…yes I’m a youth group leader who should be responsible and be a role model; but if I’m already perfect and spotless… I will already be in heaven.  Yet, being a Christian does not mean being a super human who never swear, smoke, hurt others etc….. being a Christian means we are willing and trying to change those habits….with God’s help.  I may not be a perfect Christian role model, but if only you knew me from 9 years ago…you would have said that God must have worked really hard to transform that Sandra to this Sandra.  So yes, we are all being processed and that’s something that people who judge us should understand.

Throughout my education, when my brain seems to be expanding like sponge absorbing water… my analytical brain raised some un orthodox questions.  Questions which I have surprisingly asked my dad ever since I was a little girl, questions that can’t be answered and perhaps be better off not to be asked.  Who created God daddy? And the question became a bit more sophisticated later on after being exposed to physics law,  if God is a form of energy and energy can neither be created nor destroyed…then how was God created daddy?  Such questions or questions along the same line have been asked by many, sadly… by those to whom God have blessed with intelligence and sharp mind.  It’s hard isn’t it? Not to try to analyse things and reason things out when we think we should not be that simple minded. 

I may have also raised such wondering, but the different is….I have been touched by God’s love.  God took me out from my comfort zone to the point where I just broke down and wept and almost wanting to end my life.  But, I will always remember that night….when I was crying out to God in my room and a very bright light shone in… bringing an unexplainably powerful presence to the point where I could not lift up my head.  I had always have the faith that God is not just a higher power individual that human made up; and that night made my faith even stronger for I have encountered His presence.  Those questions might still be hovering in my mind, yet I won’t ask them no more.  Who can answer them CORRECTLY anyway?  As to some comments that God created us cause He selfishly wants human to worship Him…. Well, I just can’t help but to worship Him anyway.  Christians might not always be the smartest, the richest, the most successful, BUT we will always live by favour.  Do you believe that?  I have received things that I know I don’t actually deserve, I have accomplished things which with my own intelligence and capability I wouldn’t have accomplished…how can I not worship Him?  Hey, I’m happy living such a life… with a God whom I still can’t reason out.  Why bother trying and questioning, I won’t let my so called evolved brain bring me to stupidity by choosing not to live in such grace. 

If God has blessed all of you with such intelligence, most probably He has great plans for you…. and yes the "bad side" knows the impact that you will bring if only you are on God’s side.  No wonder, many great thinker backslided and use their brain and persuasive argumentation to confuse others who don’t have such strong faith to begin with.

There will be a point of time in your life where you are devastated and broken, that you don’t even have the energy to analyse and rationalise God anymore… you will just desperately ask Him to help you.  Don’t wait for that moment; don’t test your strength to the limit…. 

My heart of innocence, my heart of passion

Since the repentance, brought the tension

As ocean drifts, played by the wind

It’s the entire wave…. nice to be seen

Will one ever feel the attraction?

Not of wilderness….but of affection?

For this heart has to be purified

Blow the red flame out of sight

Only a sailor, virgin of voyages

Escorted with petite courage

Feels the grace of calm water

Since for granted, he won’t be battered

In hawk, passionate ladies and their beauty

Spare the innocence with their charm of classical antiquity

By: Sandra Wenas, 2002

People often say that all ministries are the same, well I do believe that God appreciates all kind of ministries however I think some are more crucial and give more impact compared to the others. 

I miss my ministry in Jakarta, my dad and I serve the prisoners every Tuesday and Sunday.  Most of the time I do counselling for the female prisoners, I sometimes also become the back singer.  There are lots of issue in such a place, people fighting…real physical fights, death sentences etc.  Counselling and praying for prisoners are so different compared to praying for your friends in FA. I have faced a prisoner who killed 7 female and ate their hearts, it was hard not to show him that I was terrified by him… yet I had to hold his hands and close my eyes to pray for him…. man that was scary! Yeah… there are real issues in prisons… not just "oh my..who is my soul mate.." or "oh my… which apartment should I choose… please pray for me.." I sometimes want to bring my church friends to the prison… just so they can put their so called problems into perspectives.

Not that I don’t enjoy dressing up every Sunday to clap my hands and sing in the choir… it’s just… I don’t feel that it’s enough. 

Well, thank God I’m also one of the FA leaders and responsible for three girls in my FA.  This ministry is the only thing that makes me feel needed here in Melbourne.  At least I have to really watch after my spiritual life, cause if I stumble…the negative impacts will affect my 3 God sisters.  And yeah, they will for sure miss me if I left Melbourne for good.  I will miss them like crazy too!

My point is… I respect all ministries… but personally I wish I could do more in Melbourne.  Man, I wish the prisoners…. hahaha!!  never thought I’d say that line.

Well, it’s just another ordinary day…. me studying…trying to kill time before I have to call my boyfriend again at 11 pm and spend long hours on the phone.  I began wondering if only he was here in Melbourne, I wouldn’t have to spend that much money and sacrifice my bed time.  If only he had enough money to fly here and spend couple of weeks here.  I started procrastinating by checking out my face in the mirror, uneven complexion and small rashes kinda upset me.  After applying some stuffs which the doctor PROMISE will clear out my skin….I went to check out my e-mail.  Well what do you know….a lab decided not to accept me as a research assistant… if any consolation they said they were impressed by me but decided to take someone more experienced…. wow…I feel better now since you were impressed…but that doesn’t give me money to buy food now does it??  In my misery, two people called and gave me two news.  A cousin of mine got a viral infection on his meningitis membrane…a pretty fatal disease.  Worse than that, a friend of mine who is waiting for the birth of his second baby has just been diagnosed with HIV and only have 2 years to live.  His wife, a friend of mine is of course in shocked and broke down….as she and her baby have a high chance of getting infected too.  Hm….. I better put my boyfriend problem and my skin problem into a different perspective here.  Don’t we sometimes just dwell and pity ourselves with problems that seriously will not end our lives??  So I have to sacrifice my time in order to hear my boyfriend’s voice…. talking about nothing at all… but at least…I can still hear his voice even in 2 years time.  And my skin….oh God… no one will notice unless they stare very closely….at least I’m healthy!  Yeah… let’s not exaggerate on our problems shall we?

I had foreseen it….

I had predicted it….

I had put my fences…

I had not known though who he was

I had seen this creature

In my dream, so clear

Moving like a snake

Yet no skin and no sound

I was curious…. was it a snake?

It tangled itself around me

Still I wondered…. was it a snake?

Till it came close

Its eyes couldn’t deny…its identity

and it kissed me

….a snake in disguise….

I never thought

you were the snake in my dream

….a playboy in disguise….

God’s servant are you?

He warned me about you…

-Sandra, 2nd March 2006

Love

is the air that we breathe

Love

is the blood that flows in us

What humans search for

and run away from

Love

is joy and sorrow

is care and hate

is trust and jealousy

is passion and anger

To be loved

is the greatest feeling

but to love

is a big risk

To be in love is an advice

but to fall into it

is forbidden

Love heals someone

Love hurts someone

it brings you to the top

and it crashes you down

Love is to be learned

but will never be understood

The mystery of love

both scary and meaningful

-Sandra, 22nd August 2000

A white rose I am

Too vanilla for you

Burn your manly fire

Away from my fair complexion

For a dip of sin

Shows like the moon

In the darkest night

Light your passionate torch

On to vibrant roses

Their vulgar redness

Merge deeply with your colour

Under the stars

Red, white undefined

Distinguish me in daylight

For a white rose I am

-Sandra, 13th April 2004

  Written for all those players who played their games on me

Break me free, from this

barrier of individuality

Freedom…

is a crazy state of mind

Where I belong, doesn’t matter

I am an individual

No cultural, No religion

allowed to shape my being…

Objection over doctrines

I’m not a saint

I do love Jesus

Nor a hedon I am

I still though, sin

As we all are, duality

As we all should be

Uncategorized…

Individuality has no fine line

to be sorted out

into blocks of man made

regulations…oh such masquerade!

I am free…free from judgment

We are all individual

a crazy state of mind…

…indeed…

-Sandra, 2nd February 2005